Curtain’s secret

Hi guys,

My last few days were quite hard. Pregnancy (which I am extremely happy about, but even more than that – scared), many days in hospital (just to make sure everything is alright)… I was hoping to get home on Friday, but instead I went yesterday. It was not that nice: I hate hospitals in general, as you know, you are not landing there if you are fine. I remember from my childhood visiting my grandmother, she used to be connected to strange machines. She used to spend most of her days in various hospitals. At least at some point of her life. I loved to visit her, we were very close to each other.

However, each of those visits used to be connected with some sort of pain. In hospital’s beds people seem to be much smaller than they really are, at least for me. They are pale as well (maybe because of illnesses causing them to be there). And what I would like to say, might seem scaring, but I can feel death there.

As a child I spent my first years of my life in hospital as well. I don’t remember too much from that time. Only thing, what I remember, were curtains over some beds (I was in one room with many other children).

Those curtains were scary. They were there and I could hear crying from behind them, a lot of people. One day, I’ve asked a nurse, what those curtains are and why so many people are crying there (usually only one child was taking a bed). She told me, that parents are coming to take their children home, as they feel better now. I was very happy for them. I was dreaming about my own curtain, where my parents will come not only to visit me, but to take me home.

Everything changed around one week before I’ve left. I had my final tests, just to make sure I am ok. I was getting ready, my parents was with me, but there wasn’t any curtain. I explained to my dad my worries, that I don’t think they are going to let me go home. They always give you a curtain in this situation.

And this was the day, I’ve realised, that people behind the curtain were dieing, instead of going home. I had in my head faces of so many friends of mine, who left this world this way. And it started to make sense to me, why people were crying. Obviously, there were no joy tears, as I used to believe.

I remember especially one girl. I don’t know her age, but older than me (at that time she used to carry me). I remember one time, when only we two were in our room, and she asked one question: “Daria, I am not going to have any children, so would you like to be my daughter?”. The only think I understood, was that we are going to play family and I was glad, that I am going to play with someone, who seemed adult for me (eventhough she couldn’t be older than 15, otherwise she wouldn’t be in same ward as me).

She suffered from cancer. My disease was much less damaging and dangerous. For next few days, we were going everywhere together. She used to look after me, put me into sleep, help me change…

Both of us were of these unlucky one, who’s parents lived quite far from the hospital and could visit us only once or twice a week.

After sometime, I saw curtain around her bed as well. I couldn’t sleep that night. In the morning I saw people leaving her bed. All of them crying. I asked them, where is she and got an answer, that she was in the better place.

I was disappointed. First of all, she hasn’t say goodbye to me. Second of all, she hasn’t take me with her. After all I was her daughter, wasn’t I?

I used to cry like mad. For many days, finally, same women who said to me that my friend is in a better place, brought me a letter. I don’t remember actualy, as it was long, long time ago. But it was from my friend, they found it in her stuff. She wrote, that she is going to wait for me and when time will come, she will meet me where she is now.

I still felt sad, but much better. At least I knew now, that I am going to meet her at some point. Well, I haven’t.

I don’t know why, but since that time hospitals bring this feeling to me. Like you can smell death there (as a child I didn’t know what this smell is, but now I understand). And I still can feel it. Every hospital make me wondering, how many people died here, maybe on the same bed I am at the moment.

This post is a bit more sad, than motivating. But to make it feel better, I would like to tell you one lesson, I”ve learnt by these experiences: you never know, how much time left for you, so make sure you’ll make great use of it. Take advantage of every moment you have, so in case if something happen, you’ll have great memories instead of regrets. Is it going to help? I don’t know. But at least good memories are better than regrets.

So with this less positive post I am leaving you today. And I wish you all a very productive day. And I’ll see you tomorrow in my programming’s post.

Daria

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I used to say about changes? So find out this (quick note)

Hi guys,

I am writting this post from hospital. I have been feeling horrible last week and I ended up here. I was really scared: no energy, nausea. I couldn’t really get up out of bed, as I was falling down (literally).

After several tests they found out, I am dehydrated (guess what: coffee is not the best way to help you hydrate your body 😉 ) and another thing – I am pregnant!

Because of this, I am sorry for breaking my schedule again, but I wasn’t able to bring my computer with me. Any way, I wasn’t really able to focus on my blog (it was great shock for me).

Any way, I’ll see you in the evening in my programming post.

Daria

Compare or not to compare?

Hi guys,

Today I am starting writting this post from my break at work. It is last busy week in our company (and I am very happy about this so much).

Yesterday one more person followed my blog and I’ve realised there is already over 30. I don’t know how to thank you. I know it isn’t huge amount, but for me it is a lot. When I first started, I thought, that 10 it will be maximum during my blog’s existence and it is already tripled!

When I’ve told about this to my friends (any of them knows how to find my website yet), they’ve said that this is not so great achievement. A lot of bloggers have thousands or even milions of followers. And of course this is true (propably many of you thought the same), but for me this is not any kind of race. For me this 30 followers means like billions would for someone else. I am so happy!

And all this brought me to todays subject. Shall we compare ourself to anyone? Do we need to be better from anyone?

Those are quite important questions. Let’s say, we are going to try to be better than one particular person. We are working realy hard to achieve our goal and finally we can manage to do this. We are the better one of two. But to be honest, what has had changed because of this? Actually nothing. We can say: “I am the better one”. And that’s it.

My goal is slightly different. I want to be better each day. This is the only thing pushing me further. But each day, I want to be better than I was the day before, not anyone else. I don’t think, there is anyone perfect at every inch. We all have some bad habits, all of us is making mistakes on daily basis (well, if you don’t do anything, you might not, but I would consider doing nothing as a mistake 😉 ).

For me success of other people is very motivating. And at the same time, it doesn’t mean, that I need to fail, because of this. I know, that they must have worked very hard for this and I am really glad, that they succeeded.

Unfortunately, there is a lot of people (for example in my work), who would put all their effort to show how perfect they are. I wouldn’t mind it, as any way I don’t need to talk to them that much. The only problem is, that being perfect in their mind means, that every time they make mistake, they need to find someone who is guilty (of course they aren’t, even if there is milion withnesses).

Personaly, I hate people who pull someone’s legs with no reason (and I don’t know any valid reason for doing so). I don’t understand, why being the best is so important for some people?

I slipped out of topic a bit. Coming back to the point: I think, that trying to compare yourself to others makes you such kind of person, I’ve just wrote about.

I believe, that whatever you do, you should work WITH people, NEVER AGAINST them. And this is my conclusion for today.

I wish you very productive day and I’ll see you tomorrow in my very first programming post.

Daria

P.S. Cover photo has been taken today. I can’t explain it, but I found it quite magical. I hope you enjoy.

What does New Year mean to me?

Hi guys,

Today is a very first post in New Year. Some days off passed by so quickly. 2017 is alive only in our memories. It seems like everything is like it always was. There is only one but. Now everything is different…

Even if between 2017 and 2018 (actually between each pair of years since I remember) there is no break, it seems like everything has changed. Counting down brings some excitement into our lives, but what does actualy change?

My birthday is in January. So not that long after new year. For me every new year remind me, that I am getting older. I now, that time, when I can say: “I am 26” is almost gone. Yes, I am this girl, who till the birthday (exact hour, when I was born) say lowest age, if asked 😉

But don’t get me wrong. I am not sad or ashamed because of getting older. In my head, experience and age are actualy same. Each and every year I feel like I am starting something new. I’m getting some empty space to write in (I wrote about this in my last post). But this time I am more clever than I was last year. I’ve made so many mistakes and I’ve learnt my lessons.

Another change (at least for me) is a kick of motivation. On the beginning of the year, I feel like I can do everything. In some way, it is the easiest time for me, to start working on my habits. Chances, that I will not give up after one week are unbelievably increasing.

Another, I think the most obvious change is a fact, that now, instead of 2017 we will write 2018 every time we need to write date 😀

But for me, New Year means something more. It is always year of something. 2017 was a year of creativity. And it really was. I’ve wrote a few stories (I still keep them in my drawer); I’ve started my bullet journal, where I can let my imagination be free; I’ve started my blog, where I can write about everything. Most of gifts I gave to people were hand made. This really was my creative year.

On the other hand, 2018 is going to be a year of patience. First of all everyday’s patience. I want to be more understanding, if people around me are getting something slow (or can’t get something at all); but also, more patient with myself. You can’t even imagine, how many times in the past year I felt like everything what I am doing does not make sense, just because I don’t see the results. I want to change this year (you might not know, but all things from previous years are carried on into next one). And finally patient with myself as a person. I want to learn, how to understand myself, in the meaning that, let’s be honest, not every day of our life is one of the best days. A lot of them are just horrible. And I want to teach myself, that this is fine. That not every day will be like I wish it to be.

This is going to be quite big challenge for me. I think, that generally when we want to work on our personality, we need to prepare for hard time. But results are worthed trying.

I am going to leave you with this thought at the moment. I wish you a very productive day and I’ll see you in tomorrow’s post.

Daria

P. S. My today’s featured picture is London seen at night from Alexandra Palace. This picture doesn’t show it well, but believe me – it’s beautiful!