Today is a third day since I have returned to work. And I have mixed feelings about it. First of all, I hate being out of work doing nothing. I know that health is the most important (that is the reason, why I haven’t do anything; usually, I tend to break doctor’s rules). However, last few days, my head felt very heavy, eventhough I slept much more than usually. And I felt generally tired. As my employer believed me that I was unable to work (he visited me in hospital), he did not need to see my doctor’s leave and as I feel much better than yesterday, I’ve decided to forget that I can stay at home till end of the week.
What I’ve realised recently, staying at home on doctor’s leave makes me feel much more unwell, than I actually am. Maybe it is just a think, that I sleep a lot, but simply, I don’t like it. I feel like I am not able to do anything. Like nothing has sense. What I have learnt, returning to work makes me feel better (any way, my boss doesn’t let me do too hard work straight after returning back; this actually cause my mixed feelings).
There is one saying in polish (and I am not sure, if it exists only in polish language; you can let me know in comment section, if in your country you have it too), which goes: “Forbidden fruit tastes the best”. That means that if you shouldn’t be doing something, you will do it. Just because it is forbidden. I can’t explain, why it happens this way, but when I think about it closely, it really does happen to me quite often.
Since I was a child, I remember that things, my parents asked me not to do, always seemed more attractive. I think,6 it was some kind of adrenaline. You know, this voice in my head: “What if I will get caught?”. Or maybe it was just a need of independence? Whatever it was, it was worthed breaking rules. This feeling, that: “Hey! I did it and I am still ok!”.
However, things being forbidden very often are some kind of a hazard for our health or safety. Propably this is a reason, why we are not supposed to do them. Similar is with my work.
I have to admit that I like my job in general. But there are some aspects of it making me not want to go there. Every here and then I just pray for few days off. A little time to rest. However, any time I am on a doctor leave, I can’t wait to go to work. There is some force out there pushing me and staying at home makes me feel worse. And this time I’ve started wondering, why this is happening. Does it mean that I am a workaholic? Or maybe it is kind of my forbidden fruit?
I came to a conclusion, that it must be the second one. This kind of thing, when I don’t really want to do something and I need a break, but because it is a forced break, I am getting frustrated about it. Does it sound weird? For me it does, eventhough I am guilty of it. And as I am thinking about it more, I am realising that this is not a first time when I am doing it.
Ok, but why am I actually thinking about it? It is just happening, isn’t it? Well, I believe that if we want to take real control over our life, we need to understand what causes our behaviours. As long as we are not aware of them, we can’t really prevent them. And on the other side, if there is some behaviour, we want to incorporate in our life more, we should determine what needs to happen to make us behave this particular way.
And I believe that self-awareness is a neccessary tool in self-development. How can you change something, if you don’t know what is going on? It is like if you would go to doctor with a headache and he would give you random medicines without figuring out what is the problem. This would be weird, wouldn’t it?
That’s the reason why I think, that first thing to sort any problem, is to figure out what causes it. If you can prevent it, you can stop this problem to occur again. Or, if it is about behaviours, better understanding of yourself will improve the control you have over your emotions and will help you to make more reasonable decisions in the future and give you chance to think them through before, instead of acting afected by emotions.
And with this thought, I am going to end this post. Have a productive day and I’ll see you in my next post.