I haven’t visited this blog for a very long time. I’ve just checked and it has been over a year already. During this time, I was thinking multiple times to delete it permanently and just forget that it has ever existed. But something in my head kept telling me that I needed it.
When I first started, I’ve intended to write here about my motivation, about my plans and record my progress as it happened. However, months and years went by and there was no significant change. Except for becoming a mother, as this turned my entire life around in a positive way, but at the same time, it made me less productive than I have ever been. There have been ups and does, but generally not much changed.
And recently everything changed. Not for the better, unfortunately. At the beginning of this year, my dad has passed away. The only person from my family in Poland, who lived in the same country as me. Since I left Poland to move to London, there were just us. My dad and me. We were here and no matter what was going on around us, we had each other’s hand and shoulder to cry on. Although, since then I have started my own family and have a very supportive husband, I feel lonely. I feel like I am alone and there is no one I could rely on in case of any emergency. And I know that this isn’t true but at the same time, I can’t convince myself otherwise.
And here I am. Being at the point of my life, where I have to need to put on a mask every day. To look strong for my husband, my son and my family in Poland, so they don’t have to worry about me, while they are too far to help anyway. I need to look strong and find some energy, to create memories for my son, so when I’ll pass away one day, he will be able to find some peace in the good memories we are creating now. But it is getting harder every day. Getting out of bed, looking after the home, working… Sometimes I need an hour to convince myself to do the bare minimum, just to get out of bed. And this is a scary thing. Life started to terrify me. The way how I feel makes me concerned about what is going to come. Will I be able to force myself to do anything? Or the day will come when I will not be able to start my day? And if it’s coming, how many semi-normal days I have?
All this time I am trying to figure out what scares me? And there is no simple answer, as all those scary things were in my life before. The only difference is, that my dad used to be my shield. He used to be able to give me advice in any situation I might have found me in. He had a solution to any issue going on in my life. Sometimes it was just a good word, sometimes more. The other time he was just there and I knew that no matter what, he’ll be there. That no matter what would happen between my husband and me, he would be there to help me find a solution. And it isn’t that I and my husband are having any problems, but just the knowledge that he was there, made a nice difference.
So the answer to the question from this post isn’t simple. Should life be scary? It shouldn’t. But it is and the only thing we can do is to learn how to ignore it and eventually face it. I’ve heard before that no problem has no solution. And if there isn’t a solution, it is not a problem anymore. It becomes a new reality and we are the problem. We are the ones, who need to change and adapt to it. And sometimes it might take time and a lot of growing. But this is how life is and it has been this way always. Unpredictable, scary… But this is also the thing that makes our life exciting and worth living. If we knew what was going to happen and knew how to solve every problem we face, we wouldn’t be living anymore. We would be following a script, with no place to learn from our mistakes.
And if you are in a similar situation to the one I am in, remember that this will pass. It might be sooner or later, but it will. And as there is the sun rising after every night to start a new day, we are going to have a new start, just to survive these harder times and become stronger through these experiences.
And on this note, I would like to end this post. I’ll see you in my next one.