Recently, I have been wondering whether I should keep this blog or let it go. Especially since my hosting was about to expire (I think that it has been expired for a while). When I started writing posts, in the beginning daily, after some time I was posting less, than again daily. I’ve tried to keep this blog as my motivation for everyone (especially myself) to help them find strength when there is no willpower to achieve their goals. However, I’ve been failing every time. I’ve set very high expectations and I haven’t achieved even the bare minimum.
So this is where my process of questioning the point of having this blog started. To be honest, process of questioning my entire life. I couldn’t keep up with anything, let alone this blog. My place on the internet, where I was supposed to be coming back in the future when times will get rough. As you might know from one of the last posts I’ve published, at the beginning of this year my dad passed away. It was so unexpected that we could not believe that, even seeing him for the last time after hearing the worst news the one can get about their loved ones. This was the hardest thing I had to go through so far. I was not capable to function. Bare minimum became my normal for a long time. And bare minimum means taking care of my son while my husband was at work. As soon as he got home, I was locking myself in a room and kept crying. I felt like I will never be able to move on after this. Although, it is better, I don’t think my life will ever be the same.
During that time, I visited my blog to find my motivation. And reading posts of younger me being excited and determined to change her life for a better and more productive one was kind of frustrating. If I could, I would ask this young girl, what was the point if nothing changed since then. I knew, that all attempts to being more organised and not having a to-do list full of tasks to be moved over and over to the next day. It was making me more and more depressed.
But as I was reading all these posts I came over to the one, where I announced that my son was born. I’ve written it just a few hours after he was in this world, waiting to be able to see him for the first time, wondering how does he look like. The only thing I knew at that time, was that he is stable in the NICU, that he had some problems with breathing, but now it’s much better. And I was just waiting, asking everyone who was going there to take a picture of this only baby that mattered to me at that moment. And this one post changed everything. Of course, a change took a while, but this was when I’ve started realising what this blog gave me.
I kept a record here of all my failures, but also a record of this girl, who got up each time to try something else, and adjust. These posts here are about a mother, who tried to figure out simple things about her child, how to keep home clean when there is a whole new person to look after and a full-time job to go to. A mother, who failed in everything, but kept her child safe but most of all loved. And that’s what made me understand what the mistake of the younger me was. It wasn’t motivation that I was lacking, but priorities. As soon as my son was born, he became my most important task. Many times I had no energy to eat or take shower, but he was always fed, cleaned and as happy as a baby can be. He was my motivation and he still is. I understood that this younger me, got something right, what present me couldn’t. Priorities. I was being selfish, locked out from the world, while my bigger motivation has been playing with his dad in the other room. My brothers and I were the biggest motivation for my dad and he used to do everything he could to help us, and teach us as much as he could and I was about to take this possibility from my son.
So I am starting over. My life, as a person who doesn’t give up. As a person, who may fail over and over again, but at least has her priorities right, no matter what. And I am starting over (or rather keep continuing) this blog. The goal is to post every single day, but this time I can just say that I am going to do my best. Life is life, no one said it will be easy. Especially now, I need to pick myself up, as my son has been diagnosed with autism and there is a lot of work in front of us. And I know, that there are going to be a lot of days when I will feel overwhelmed, but I need to keep going. For my own sanity and my son’s future.
I’ve written this post to be my reminder. As I said earlier, with my son’s diagnosis, life is going to be hard at times. Without my dad being my support, I need to become able to get up and fight, no matter what obstacles and how hard my life is going to get. After all, my son is the greatest joy of my life and there is no hardship I wouldn’t go for him.
So this would be it for my today’s rumbling about everything and nothing, but I’ll see you in my next post, hopefully tomorrow.